From mailer.acns.fsu.edu!usenet.ufl.edu!usenet.cis.ufl.edu!usenet.eel.ufl.edu!news.ultranet.com!zombie.ncsc.mil!paladin.american.edu!europa.eng.gtefsd.com!howland.reston.ans.net!swrinde!cs.utexas.edu!uunet!ankh.iia.org!iia.org!not-for-mail Thu Sep 15 17:57:46 1994 Path: mailer.acns.fsu.edu!usenet.ufl.edu!usenet.cis.ufl.edu!usenet.eel.ufl.edu!news.ultranet.com!zombie.ncsc.mil!paladin.american.edu!europa.eng.gtefsd.com!howland.reston.ans.net!swrinde!cs.utexas.edu!uunet!ankh.iia.org!iia.org!not-for-mail From: dflat@iia.org (Robert Payes) Newsgroups: alt.music.nin Subject: Sore Losers: A Post-VMA Fantasy Date: 15 Sep 1994 08:29:58 -0400 Organization: International Internet Association. Lines: 102 Message-ID: NNTP-Posting-Host: iia.org X-Newsreader: ZipNews Reader/Mailer v0.93b (Beta) IT *COULD'VE* HAPPENED THIS WAY: THE MORNING AFTER THE VIDEO MUSIC AWARDS (Scene: a sleazy downtown Manhattan bar. Trent Reznor, Bjork, and all three Beastie Boys are sitting around a beer-bottle-strewn table. They are all quite drunk.) AD-ROCK: We wuz robbed! MCA: Ripped off! MIKE D: Fist-fucked! REZNOR: (sharply) Hey, keep my private life outta this! (Bjork belches and unleashes a string of curses in her native Icelandic.) MCA: Seriously, Trent. We all had probably the three most innovative videos of the year... REZNOR: "Innovative" my _ass._ All you guys did was run around LA pretending to be Starsky and Hutch! MCA: (ignoring him) The point is, look what we lost to! Five dinosaurs and a bimbo... BJORK: Wasn't that a Tom Selleck movie? MIKE D: Not even close, doll. (Cracks open another beer and passes it to her) MCA: ...and a goddamned traffic jam. REZNOR: You know, I could a pretty mean version of "Cars..." AD-ROCK: Whatever. The point is, these VMAs have gotten almost as predictable as the friggin' Oscars. I mean, look at poor Bjork, for example. The moment I saw that Janet Jackson was also up for "Best Female Performance," I _knew_ Miss Eskimo Pie here didn't have squat of a chance. BJORK: Hmph. Janet Jackson. Like to see _her_ floating in cold water while they set up the shot... REZNOR: Thought you people _liked_ the cold. BJORK: I'm from Iceland, _not_ the fucking North Pole! (Swigs her beer) And crawling through that tall grass -- God, my sinuses ached for a week! REZNOR: Big deal. I don't see anyone else scouring the country for sixty-year-old film stock. AD-ROCK: Is _that_ why it looked yellow? I thought it was 'cuz that dog of yours had pissed on the film cannisters. (Reznor bounces a beer bottle off Ad-Rock's head) AD-ROCK: Good! Let's _use_ that anger. (to MCA and Mike) We'll take out Aerosmith, Bjork here can target Ms. Janet... BJORK: Be a _pleasure!_ AD-ROCK: ...and Trent, dat ol' devil, can go down to Georgia and terminate REM. REZNOR: Uh, no go on REM, man. Tori's tight with Stipe, so he's off- limits. MIKE D: Speaking of which -- Trent, I think your ride's here. (Tori Amos walks into the bar) TORI: C'mon, kiddo, time for sleepy-bye. (She helps Reznor to his feet) Got a nice warm cup of Bosco waiting for ya. REZNOR: Bedtime story, too? TORI: Of course. REZNOR: "Venus In Furs?" TORI: Whatever hangs you by the heels, lover. (They leave the bar.) [PARALEGAL HANDWAVE DEPT.: Obviously, the above never happened. Any resemblence to alternative rockers living or dead is quite intentional. Intended as satire. Believe at your own risk.] ______________________________ / Robert Payes - dflat@iia.org \ /=========================================================================\ | Without a beat, they march along, believing Bach is dead. | \=========================================================================/